Today we were at BI at 8 am for vascular tests, a consult and a meeting with the stem cell transplant coordinator. WE HAVE A DATE!! Jim will begin his SCT preparation in mid-May, and the process will be complete on June 9 when he gets his clean stem cells! There is a thrill in knowing, not withstanding the anxiety.... but it is a step in a positive direction, and we both embrace it. Before they will give us an unmitigated green light, Jim needs to pass a few more tests, including dental, cardio, etc. He needs to be healthy enough to survive what will be a decimation of his bone marrow, and a rebuilding from scratch.
On the less wonderful side, Jim has experienced some vision loss over the past year. For those of you who know him realize how his LIFE revolves around reading books, scientific papers or the computer. Not being able to do this this is unthinkable. One eye is very bad, the other seems about 25% affected, but the ophthalmological surgeon has ordered an MRI to rule out a tumor. So we wait for Thursday to do the MRI and still will have to wait on an ultrasound appointment before MAKE the appointment to see the eye surgeon for results. *Just since I wrote this, I got a call that the MRI must be postponed a week due to insurance meddling and the vacation status of the referring doctor. And so it goes.
One odd sidebar to this story is about acquiring a new appreciation for silence. All my life I have handed out advice like a syrup salesman at a waffle convention. Linda had answers. Just ask her. And now that I'm in this, I realize several things. First, if someone has themselves under control, it is really a mistake to offer sympathy, or even much of a hug. Most of the time I am fine, once in a while I am one forgotten little brown pill away from a mess you don't want to be a part of. Linda of the big-hug- and- a- pat-pat-pat, "it'll be okay " has learned a lesson. Give vulnerable people some space. If they want a hug, they will come for one.
The second lesson is that all the advice I have so blithely burbled over the years comes back when the tables get turned . My advice not to worry about things until they are actually happen has returned to challenge/haunt me. Did I really expect others to apply this advice that is so hard for me? Okay, so I have decided to refer to the MRI as "just another test to rule out the bad possibilities." People have EKGs without a heart attack, and CAT scans, that turned up clear of obstruction. Jim will have this test and the results will help the doctor to know what to look for next.
To quote Elbert Hubbard, "Life is just one damned thing after another."
3 comments:
I get a nervous flutter when I even think about it...exciting, scary, frustrating, overwhelming, daunting, intimidating and exhilarating...all at the same time.
A good friend reminded me tonight that when anyone is affected by cancer - or any really serious illness - nobody comes out the other side unaffected. It grounds you. It saves you. It breaks you and it reminds you that while everything is a challenge, it is also capable of re-directing the focus back to the basics. We have today, and sometimes today sucks.
However, it also means tomorrow is a new day. I do hope and pray that our tomorrow, your tomorrow, is fresh and clean...as fresh and clean as it can possibly be, given the inevitable facts.
I am sorry today sucked.
Echoing Lynn's comment - the rush of widely varying emotions is somewhat overwhelming - for me - can't imagine how it is for you.
It's always easier to give advice than it is to take it - and we would all rather be on the giving side than the taking - but your advice as served you well for some years now - thru some scary times - until now, and it has been your reassurance and optimism that has seen all of us close to you thru some really crummy times. We can only hope to do the same for you now.
No more hugs - I promise...... unless solicited! Oh, wait, who am I kidding - no more hugs for my Lala would TRULY be a sign that things are out of balance!
i'm so excited that things are finally moving in a direction for you all. i know it sounds pat but you really are in my thoughts. let me know if you need anything even if it's just me stellar skills at cutting bread on an angle ;)
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