Down Time

Life hurtles forward with entire weeks sifting between my fingers. Jim continues to maintain a steady and predictable course. We had an appointment yesterday with the oncologist, and he felt Jim was improving... based more on observation than numbers since the blood tests hadn't all come back. He is weighing the possibility of scheduling the Stem Cell Transplant for about a month from now. Who knows? We will get excited when it finally is a fait accompli! Meanwhile, Jim rests most of the day, reading a little, and that's about it. He seems to have retreated into an emotional dry-dock, not answering the phone, not even going through the motions much any more. We need the SCT and the promise of feeling better if he hopes to avoid total physical and emotional atrophy.

One of the unexpected benefits of this whole thing is that I discover that my super-woman control-freak tendencies have gotten flabby (along with a few other things.) Once upon a time, I was convinced each bit of news would morph into a mandate for me to go "fix" everything and everyone. And upon reflection, I think, at times, I did a helluva job. Now, however, I pause and consider the cost/benefit of my getting involved...prioritizing, if you will. If someone else will "fix" it, then I take a step back. If there is an argument I am apt to fold quickly. Very little carries enough importance for me to get satisfaction from "winning". Same with advice. One lesson I have learned is that most people who seek advice already know what they are going to do, so my repeating myself is an exercise in total futility. I have developed an aversion to getting other people's "issues" all over me. Hopefully I can learn to moderate, to distinguish the places where I can really make a difference, as opposed to being the sponge, mopping up after someone's hysterical vent. At this ripe old age, I am finally realizing dispassion isn't always a bad thing.

A little post script to this is that Jim just heard from the oncologist, who wants to keep him on an additional round of Revlamid, which would take any hope of SCT into the Fall. But it seems to be tackling the cancer very well, and the hope is that he would be in better condition to have the SCT succeed in restoring him to good health. So it looks like we will have another month or two of "down" time. In MM, down time is a good thing.